Who loves Jessica?

People often ask, "How do I tell when my daughter is ready for the table?" Well, there's always some little variation, but generally the exact age falls somewhere between the fifth and sixth birthdays. During this period, the daughter acquires a smooth firmness totally free of flab or muscle, especially in the shoulders, buttocks, and thighs, areas which are the gourmet's delight. . . . A slight nip of the teeth will quickly reveal the precise degree of succulence. An ancient and surprisingly accurate test of readiness is to hold the buttocks one in each hand and squeeze gently. If the daughter says, "Grrrugchllllchllll," she is not yet quite ready. If she slaps your face, you have missed your opportunity. But if she giggles, she is just right.

The recipe printed here is the traditional one said to have been originated by the eleventh century Duke of Thuringia, Julian the Fertile. (Julian, incidentally, is said to have died from a surfeit of daughter.). . . .

For this recipe you will need:

1 pint of freshly pressed sunflower oil
1 bottle of very good Riesling Fresh herbs: rosemary and marjoram
12 ripe sliced papayas
3 cups Grand Marnier Dressing—a bikini top, black velvet choker, ankle socks (a gout)
1 gallon of whipping cream
1 red apple
1/2 lb. sesame seeds
And, of course,
1 moderately plump daughter

First wash the daughter thoroughly. (If she does not object to this, it is certain that you have misjudged her readiness.) Some gourmets omit this stage, finding that the pâté of scrambled egg, chocolate, and sand found on various parts of the body greatly enhance the end result.

Next take a larger platter, curved to catch the juices, and place the daughter on it. Rub oil gently into the skin, particularly around the rump, shoulder, and cheek, these being the most exquisite delicacies if properly browned. . . .

Now turn the daughter on her tummy in a kneeling position so that her head rests on her hands. Place the sprigs of herb in the gently rounded crevices that will be formed. If she giggles at this point, reprimand her. Then scatter the sliced papaya all over her and rub the liqueur wherever you like. If she persists in giggling, tap her lightly with a rolling pin. . . .

At this point, the daughter will probably want to get up and go to the bathroom or play something else like prince and princess. If so, let her get up off the platter and give her some chocolate. If not, eat her.

National Lampoon, Tony Hendra, 1971